You Don’t Have to Keep Preparing for Your Life: Letting Go of Perfectionism and Self-Punishment

This content is educational and reflective in nature and is not meant to replace clinical advice.

When Life Feels Like It’s Always “In Preparation”

I just finished reading The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler and I thought I’d share a few key takeaways that really stuck with me. 

One of the main ideas that this book reminded me of was that we receive so many messages, pressure, and expectations that keep us stuck on a never ending treadmill of achievement, only to feel disconnected from ourselves and uninspired. 

It’s a basic human need to feel socially connected, rooted in the idea that if we didn’t keep up with our tribe, we could be left behind to starve or freeze. While our world has changed, a trace of that survival instinct still shows up today.

We are a competitive species, always striving, wanting more, and pushing ourselves to do better. But in that constant pursuit, enjoyment and present-moment living often get pushed to the back burner. As you might expect, this kind of lifestyle contributes to the chronic stress and health issues many of us are experiencing today.

So with all of this being such a deeply ingrained part of our society, how do we step off the treadmill? Can we get off without everything falling apart? How do we trust that we’ll be okay if we do? 

I honestly don’t have all the answers to these questions, but the book offers some thoughtful ideas for how we might begin to step off in a way that still feels safe.

At the core of staying in a mode of constant striving, the mindset hooks onto the belief that you always need something to be different about the moment you are in to be satisfied. It’s the constant need to bridge the gap between your reality and your ideal self. There is a common belief that: “I need something to be different about this moment before I can be satisfied.” But the challenge is that this gap never truly closes. Even when we reach one version of our “ideal,” the mind quickly creates another. Without realizing it, we can spend our lives striving toward something just out of reach, all while missing the life we’re currently living.

Renowned psychologist Dr. Alfred Alder described this dynamic well: “All present life appears to him only a preparation.” With this mindset, we’re constantly oriented toward a future that hasn’t happened, and may never fully arrive.

This is where presence often gets misunderstood. Being present doesn’t mean feeling happy all the time. We take deep breaths waiting for presence to “fix” our moods or perspectives. The truth is that you can be present and feel sad. You can be present and feel heavy. You can be present and feel anxious. Presence guarantees freedom, not happiness. 

When we approach presence as including all emotions and experiences, we stop resisting uncomfortable emotions, and we begin to practice non-resistance. Instead of using our energy to fight what we feel, engaging in non resistance frees up energy. You are the one who can direct where your energy goes next. If you direct your energy in curative and intentional ways, you can build a life that you want instead of a life that feels hard all the time. When you build the life that you want, it still feels hard a lot of the time. The difference is that the difficulty feels worth it. 

When Mistakes Send You Into a Spiral of Self-Punishment

​​This is also where many of us confuse self-punishment with accountability. 

When something goes wrong, it can feel natural to be harsh with ourselves: we might ruminate for hours on our mistakes, sit with the feeling that we’re a bad person, shame ourselves with harsh self-talk (like ‘I always mess things up’ or ‘I’m selfish’), or even withhold care from ourselves like rest, kindness, or support. It can seem like doing these things are what keep us responsible or motivated. But in reality, self-punishment often keeps us stuck, narrow minded and thinking in black and white. Self-punishment drains our energy, and makes it even harder to move forward. So when you punish yourself, you literally problem-solve less effectively, and stay stuck in a deep cycle of re-triggering shame and self-criticism. When you respond with a little compassion, your brain opens up and you can actually learn and adapt.

Self-punishment becomes: 

• A false sense of control

• A way to avoid future mistakes

  
  

In reality: 

• It increases pain and anxiety

• Makes failure feel catastrophic

• Trains your brain to stay stuck in negative thought loops

• Leads to avoidance or burnout 

  
  

Changing your default to approaching mistakes as self-punishment to accountability, looks different and is often more helpful to get through it. It involves acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility where needed, and choosing how to respond next, all without attacking your worth. When we approach ourselves with even a small amount of compassion, we create the space needed to actually learn, adjust, and grow.

The core shift comes from letting go of the need to control every outcome and accepting that mistakes are a part of being human. We learn to view mistakes as data, not identity. We begin to ask ourselves “what can this teach me?,” instead of “I have to be hard on myself to stay good.” When I look at these two approaches to failure, the first one seems more helpful to me because it is turned towards processing and learning. Self-compassion doesn’t mean avoiding responsibility, it means holding yourself accountable without harm. All this being said, it isn't easy - I'm right there with you!

If you want to start working on applying the accountability mindset today, a simple reframe of a mistake can go a long way.

Instead of:

 “I messed up, and all my projects are low quality because I’m not smart.”

Try:

“Okay, I really didn’t like how that project went. What can I learn, and what would be helpful right now?”

If you do slip into self-punishment and criticism, that’s okay and will happen! It’s a normal experience. 

Mental health is fluid, and we naturally shift between more helpful and less helpful mindsets. An adaptive approach to perfectionism recognizes that ideals are not meant to be fully achieved, they are meant to inspire. You are pulled towards something bigger than yourself, a task you can never finish, something worth a lifetime of striving towards. When we shift from trying to avoid failure to pursuing what feels meaningful and authentic to our values, something important changes. Our worth is no longer on the line. When that happens, we feel free to fail because we know it doesn’t define us. Instead, failure is a launchpad to continue to grow and move through life. 

Warmly,

Ginger 🤍 🌸