Understanding Perfectionism: How It Develops and How to Heal

This content is educational and reflective in nature and is not meant to replace clinical advice.

What Does Perfectionism Feel Like?

Have you ever felt like no matter how hard you try, nothing you do is ever enough? Or that the only thing pushing you forward is the fear of failure or rejection? These are common experiences for people struggling with perfectionism, and they’re feelings I deeply relate to. 

Perfectionism is more than working hard or wanting to do well. It’s setting impossibly high standards for yourself and still feeling like you’re falling short. Growing up near the Silicon Valley, I was surrounded by extremely high standards for academic success. As a teenager, I learned that people who did well in school and got into selective colleges inevitably had more value. I was hard working and dedicated to school, but I was also dyslexic so I struggled to retain what I was learning. No matter how much effort I put in, I felt miles behind everyone else. I compared myself to others from a deficit mindset, convinced that I was somehow “less than.” My motivation came from fear. A fear of not belonging and failing, which drained the joy from learning and creating. We often think perfectionism protects us from disappointment, embarrassment, or judgment. But in reality, the self-criticism that comes with it usually leads to dread, anxiety, and burnout.

Perfectionism is like chasing a moving finish line, just when you feel like you have done enough, the line moves again. You’re left exhausted, discouraged, and disconnected from your own sense of worth. And in a society that praises productivity, being a “perfectionist” can be worn almost like a badge of honor. Yes, it can come with strengths like discipline and attention to detail, but the cost is often high. When stuck in the cycle of “never good enough,” you are missing out on living a life driven by what your heart and soul want. 

It can feel like you are holding your breath waiting for everything to feel “just right,” but meanwhile beautiful life moments are passing you by while you are turning blue. There will always be another project, another to-do list, another expectation. But you’ll never get another chance to re-live the moment you’re in right now, where life is actually happening.

How Does Perfectionism Take Hold?

Because perfectionism is considered a trait, it is developed and learned, and like almost any other trait, the root cause could be different depending on the person's biology, psychology, and social world. However, here are some of the main and common causes that I’ve seen through research and my experiences as a human and therapist. 

What Contributes to the Development of Perfectionism?

• Self-Esteem Injuries: When we have a tendency to criticize ourselves when we make mistakes without a clear sense of who we are, we can be more likely to connect our self worth to external accomplishments or identities that we view as valuable. Often beneath perfectionism is fear. The fear of being shamed, judged, blamed, not being seen as worthy or valuable to others or even to yourself. Over time, striving for flawlessness becomes a way to avoid emotional pain, even though it often leads to more of it. 

• Family Expectations: Many people develop perfectionism in environments where love, praise, or attention were linked to performance. When a child is rewarded for only their achievements (grades, productivity, weight, appearance, etc..) they learn that being worthy depends on what they do, not who they are. For example, a child praised only for their weight or looks may internalize the belief that being valued requires maintaining a certain image, increasing the risk for disordered eating. When achievement is the key to acceptance, perfectionism becomes a survival strategy.

• Social Media: It’s true that comparison is the thief of joy. There are some benefits of social media, like staying connected to friends, but more often than not we are constantly striving to meet the impossible standards of what media we are consuming. When we’re constantly measuring ourselves against perfectly curated versions of other people’s lives, it becomes easy to feel like we’re falling short, fueling the cycle of “not good enough.”

• Cognitive Distortions: Many perfectionists fall into patterns of black-and-white thinking. A common example of this is believing they must be all successful or else they’re a complete failure. Grey areas can feel uncomfortable, but they can help ground us in what is actually happening rather than to the story we are telling ourselves. The truth of being human is that everyone succeeds sometimes and struggles other times. Learning to see this helps shift your inner narrative from harsh judgment to realistic self-compassion.

• Parentified Children: Some children who were or are overly parentified, taking on adult responsibilities or emotions outside of their developmental stage, often grow up believing they can’t make mistakes. They may have been punished, shamed, or blamed when things went wrong, leaving little room for authenticity or mistakes. As adults, this can turn into a fear of letting others down and a belief that perfection is the only way to stay safe or maintain relationships.  

How Can We Loosen the Grip of Perfectionism?

Learning to soften perfectionism isn’t about lowering your standards, It’s about loosening the grip of self-criticism and knowing that everything doesn’t need to be perfect all the time. Some situations call for precision (like surgery), but many parts of our daily lives do not (like being exactly on time to a coffee meeting). When we become aware of the differences, we create more space to actually enjoy the life that’s already happening.

One way to loosen the grip of perfectionism is to welcome “mistakes” and “failures” as information, simple data points to help you grow and move towards your goals. Many people with perfectionistic tendencies are motivated by how others might perceive them, which places their sense of worth in someone else’s hands. A key step in softening perfectionism and feeling empowered is developing internal measures of worth, such as practicing self-compassion.

Another helpful strategy is celebrating your “micro wins.” Most of us have a negativity bias, meaning we zoom in on what went wrong and overlook what we’re doing right. Taking a few minutes at the end of each day to write down even the smallest accomplishments can build motivation and self-trust.

Why Is Authenticity the Antidote to Perfectionism?

Authenticity is one of the most powerful antidotes to perfectionism. However, being authentic in a culture that wants you to fit in and people please can feel exhausting. Cultivating authenticity is allowing ourselves the courage to be imperfect and let go of who people want us to be. 

Letting go of what other people think can be challenging, especially if you grew up being shamed or judged for showing vulnerability or expressing your needs. Creating a supportive social circle with people who see your worth for who you are rather than what you do is essential. Developing coping skills for the discomfort or criticism that may arise when you show up more genuinely can also help you stay aligned with the life you want to live.

Just like perfectionism, authenticity isn’t something we have or don’t have, it's a learned skill and a practice we choose every day. Sometimes when we push against the norms or system, we can be shamed or made to feel small. This often comes from people's fear of uncertainty and a lack of control, and their understanding of how the world works being proven wrong. Some people may feel threatened by your growth and try to make you feel small, but that doesn’t mean you should shrink yourself. Your lived experience, your perspective, your way of being in the world are all important gifts. They carry strengths and stories that no one else can share with the world. 

How Can Embracing Authenticity Change Your Life?

Think about one of the most joyful moments in your life. Who was there? What were you doing? How did you feel? Most of us recall memories where we felt truly seen, valued, and accepted without needing to perform or be perfect. That sense of authenticity, of being fully yourself, creates a unique kind of ease and freedom. Shifting from perfectionism and people-pleasing toward authenticity and genuine expression is not only transformative for you, but it can also inspire others to do the same. When you choose to show up as your whole, imperfect, human self, you give other people permission to breathe, soften, and step into their truth.

You are enough,

Ginger 💛

Sources

1. Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing. 

2. Sbeg, J. (Host). (2025, November 13). 353. The psychology of perfectionism [Audio podcast episode]. In The Psychology of your 20s. iHeartPodcasts. https://www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-the-psychology-of-your-20-106793541/episode/353-the-psychology-of-perfectionism-306903245/

3. Therapist Aid. (2025). What is perfectionism? [Worksheet]. https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/what-is-perfectionism

4. Tamanaha, R. (2025, February 21). Born or made? The root cause of perfectionism, and how to overcome it. Robyn Tamanaha Therapy. https://www.robyntamanahatherapy.com/blog/born-or-made-the-root-cause-of-perfectionism-and-how-to-overcome-it