Boundaries Don’t Ruin Relationships–They Save Them
- gingerstherapynotebook
- Dec 15, 2025
- 5 min read
Have you ever walked away from an interaction feeling weird, resentful, or misunderstood but are unsure why? Often, that discomfort is a sign that a boundary is missing, unclear, or being crossed. Learning how to set boundaries isn’t about becoming rigid or distant, it’s about creating relationships that feel more respectful and sustainable.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
Boundaries are essential for maintaining and improving the relationships that matter to us. Rather than creating distance, healthy boundaries often help us stay more connected to the people we care about. When boundaries are unclear or absent, we may begin to avoid others, feel overwhelmed, or carry resentment into our interactions.
Having boundary-setting conversations can feel uncomfortable, especially with people we love, but conflict is a normal and natural part of close relationships. Clear boundaries can reduce overwhelm and resentment, helping make relationships feel more sustainable and respectful over time.
A common misconception is that boundaries are about controlling what other people do. In reality, boundaries are about clarifying your expectations and communicating how you will respond when those expectations aren’t met. They focus on your behavior, not someone else’s.
Where Do Your Boundaries Land?
Finding a balance between flexible and firm boundaries can be challenging. If you are too passive, your own wants and needs may become overlooked. If you are too aggressive, then the other person may feel defensive and keep you at a distance. Someone holding healthy boundaries can say “no,” but they’re also open to connection and new experiences.
Setting boundaries is rarely a one time conversation, but is more likely an ongoing process. Checking in with yourself about whether a boundary is working, needs adjustment, or could be communicated differently is a normal and important part of growth. Sometimes a small shift in language, timing, or approach can make a big difference depending on the relationship or setting. Learning what works best for you is part of building boundaries that truly support your needs.
What a Healthy Boundary Can Sound Like
Your values have a big impact on your boundaries. For instance, if you highly value emotional safety and comfort, you may need to self-advocate your needs to someone who is judging or criticizing you.
In the case of a friend commenting on your food choices, instead of saying, “Please stop commenting on my food choices,” you might say:
“I care about our friendship and connecting with you, and if you comment on what I’m eating, I’ll feel uncomfortable and check out of our conversation.”
By naming that the relationship is important to you are signaling your hope for protecting connection, not pushing them away. It is specific and assertive, centering on personal limits and emotional safety without controlling the other person.
Why Setting Boundaries Can Feel So Hard
Some of the most common obstacles to healthy boundaries include choosing short-term comfort over long-term relationship goals, people-pleasing, and feeling stuck in rigid relationship patterns. It’s often much easier to identify your needs than it is to actually communicate them.
Setting and maintaining boundaries can be especially difficult when people are used to you always meeting their needs. When dynamics begin to change, it can feel uncomfortable for you and the other person.
Boundaries with people we are close to, like family or childhood friends can be especially challenging because they have known you for a long time. Sometimes people hold us in a past version of ourselves, so they may get upset when those dynamics shift. When you begin to speak up or advocate for yourself, it can shift the balance of power in the relationship, which may lead to discomfort or pushback.
Even while acknowledging how hard this can be, there are times when you may need to “rip the band-aid off” and have one or two uncomfortable conversations in order to protect the relationship long-term. It’s possible to set firm boundaries kindly so you can grow with the person and enjoy your relationship more.
And to be clear- this isn’t easy!
Below are a few tips that may help make the process feel slightly more manageable.
Ways to Practice Boundaries With More Confidence
Plan for Challenges: Anticipating potential challenges and how you want to respond can help reduce anxiety before the conversation. For example, when setting a boundary with your close friend, you might get pushback. If your friend dismisses your needs, you might re-explain why it is important to you. Your friend might continue the behavior, and so you might need to be consistent by enforcing it each time it happens. You might also notice feelings of guilt or worries about being “too much.” In those moments, it can be helpful to remind yourself that boundaries are healthy, necessary, and supportive of both your mental health and the longevity of the relationship. If you fear conflict or making things worse, remember that staying calm and assertive is possible, and that safe, caring people will respect your boundaries, even if it takes time.
Ride the Wave: Even with mental preparation and anticipating how to handle challenges, setting boundaries will likely bring up intense emotions like anxiety. The “Ride the Wave” DBT skill, created by Marsha Linehan, may be able to help you move through it with more ease. The image of riding a wave captures the idea that emotions have a natural rise and fall in intensity like waves in the ocean. Instead of trying to escape discomfort, we practice noticing it and allowing it to pass. It’s often easier to tolerate a temporary spike in sensations or thoughts than to fear that they’ll last forever.
Name It: Sometimes, even just naming disagreement or discomfort out loud in a relationship can be healing in itself and might remove a layer of defensiveness. Naming an emotion in the present is often the first step to be able to regulate it and stay grounded in the conversation.
Write a Script: Write or type out what you have to say before; it might help you remove any live feelings that could get in the way of you saying what you intended to say in the moment. If you are less comfortable with face to face interactions, you might even send a thoughtful message or email that communicates your hopes and needs.
Collaborate: If you are sensing defensiveness, you could even open up the conversation about boundaries to the other person to create mutual respect and so that they can feel what it’s like to be on the other side of the conversation.
What to Remember About Boundaries
Boundaries are not about pushing people away, they’re about creating the conditions for better connection. While setting them may feel uncomfortable at first, clear and compassionate boundaries protect your mental health and help relationships grow in healthier ways. With practice and self-compassion, boundaries can become less about fear or guilt and more about honoring your needs while staying connected to the people who are important to you.
With care,
Ginger 🌱
Sources & Further Reading
Choosing Therapy. (n.d.). How to set boundaries in unhealthy relationships (Workbook).https://www.choosingtherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/How-to-Set-Boundaries-Unhealthy-Relationships-Workbook.pdf
Full Focus Therapy. (n.d.). Ride the wave: A DBT skill to navigate anxiety. https://www.fullfocustherapy.com/blog/ride-the-wave-dbt-skill-to-navigate-anxiety
Hope Wellness. (n.d.). Boundaries and emotional well-being. https://www.hope-wellness.com/blog/3z5dth7oxfuyjol0tsxk1gsqfmcsc2
Hope Wellness. (n.d.). Journaling prompts to help you examine your relationships.https://www.hope-wellness.com/blog/6-journaling-prompts-to-help-you-examine-your-relationships
Therapist Aid. (n.d.). Boundaries: Psychoeducation worksheet. https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/boundaries-psychoeducation-printout
Therapist Aid. (n.d.). Boundary styles worksheet. https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/boundary-styles
